Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy, you must be in total awe and amazement at your little miracle. Plus you’ll finally be able to indulge in all the foods that were on the pregnancy no-no lists. (Judging by the £5000 per night cost, they’ll be a few lobster salads on the menu).
I’ll just bet you can’t stop looking at his tiny finger nails, listening to him breathe with the occasional cute grunt or two whilst gazing into his blurry eyes. The swell of unconditional love and the raging fire in your belly that burns over protecting your little man from the world is truly incredible.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you right now – desperate for sleep, painful boobs the size of Galia melons (count yourself lucky you are stick thin as mine were the size of watermelons!).
Along with a tummy that resembles jelly as it slowly shrinks back to size and the knickers, oh my the knickers… made of paper and nice and big like a pair of apple catchers.
Dealing with all this whilst having the world watching your every move and paparazzi and security literally camped on your doorstep. You are a strong woman Kate and the best part is living in that dreamy haze after you give birth, just you and your baby in a bubble of love.
So Kate, what can I say to you to help you navigate through the best and most confusing few weeks of your life?
From a mother of three (my newest son being just four months old) to you, the Duchess of Cambridge, here are my tips (be warned, depending on whether you had a natural birth or a C-section, laughing may cause you some discomfort).
So pillow at the ready, pressed firmly against your tummy and your maternity pad firmly in place, here we go:
One should try to avoid the dreaded milk circles
When greeting guests or family always remembers to put your breast pads in. Heaven forbid you forget and the Queen discretely points to your chest with that knowing look, whilst you fill with dread that the wet circles have appeared!
One could try dream feeding
Burping baby is great fun the first few times your tiny bundle lets out a burp as loud as thunder. However, burping your little prince when he isn’t ready to burp takes a long time, lots of patience and a mixture of acrobatic poses on your baby’s part.
Dream feeding can really help when the sleep deprivation really starts to bite, you basically feed baby whilst he is sleeping which means he doesn’t gulp down as much air and there is little wind or sometimes no wind to come up which make for a very happy mummy.
One must watch out for sore bits after delivery
I was unfortunate enough to have three caesareans so I know pain management and what not to do like the back of my hand. My friends have had natural births and I have heard the pain can be just as bad. All I can say on this one as a combination of advice is: keep on top of your pain meds, gel pack or frozen peas (in the bag of course), witch hazel and lots of rest.
One’s prunes are one’s friends
I don’t really need to go into this in much details, all I can say is prunes, bran flakes and anything else high fibre is going to help you um…get along if you know what I mean?!
One’s after pains
Don’t be shocked to find you experience the most intense after pains for a few days to a week or so after birth, almost feeling like you are going back into labour. Paracetemol and a hot water bottle will become your constant friends during this time.
One loves a ruddy good jump on one’s trampoline
Don’t! I know it’s sunny and you have a massive garden and no doubt a massive bespoke trampoline but your pelvic floor won’t thank you for it and you may find it rather messy.
Good luck Kate and welcome to the best club in the world.
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